Today, I finally told my boss that I am leaving.
Changing careers midstream is tough. There are moments when I feel like I am jumping off a cliff and moments when I think I am doing something amazing. I never really appreciated how I felt about all of this until I told my manager.
Some part of me feels like I am letting people down, but the only person I am letting down is myself. I have defined myself for ten years in part by my job. Now I am losing that and reaching for something else. Happiness? A sense of satisfaction?
When I started graduate school, I was one of those women. I thought I could be everything. Turns out I can’t. It’s been over a year since my son was born, there are days I still miss him. I miss seeing him first thing in the morning and I feel like there is never enough time in the day. By the time I get home, I am tired. We make dinner and he goes to bed. The next day I leave before he wakes up.
There are things I love about a technology job. It is a dynamic environment with a constant stream of logic puzzles to solve. I am surrounded by brilliant amazing people who seem like they could learn anything. There were things that frustrated me, but you get that in any job. There were also things that made me feel more alive and engaged.
I’m afraid I’ll miss it, but not as much as I miss my son.
I’m not leaving to be a stay at home mom although I think that is also a valuable job. I’m choosing to do something else. When my son grows up and tries to figure out what to do with his life. I want to be able to tell him to do what he loves? How can I tell him to do that if I’m not willing to do the same?
In three months, I will leave my job where I have been successful for the past ten years. I will go back to school just after celebrating my fortieth birthday. I will chase a dream, being a teacher, something I think I will love that will also give me more time for my child. Given the state of the economy, I don’t know if there will be a job at the end. I just know one thing. If I don’t try now, I never will.